Change happens over time - not usually all at once. Like working out to become fit or dieting to lose weight, spiritual growth is a practice. I find myself still entering into phases of frustration and fear as I work on my business, raise my son and take care of our home and myself.
I awoke one night this week with an itchy sensation on the left side of my mouth and a cough from an itchyness in my throat. I my sleepy state of mind I felt like there was a flow of negative energy released...like my fears and doubts were leaving me. Weird. Slept pretty well after that.
Yesterday I had a fleeting thought that though I pray, fast, read and meditate regularly do I really hear the "voice" of God and what he's telling me? A twinge of frustration passed thru me but I let it go. Then this morning, I awoke at about 6:30 and with thoughts of self-discipline (and the mess in the kitchen) I got up to start my day. I put on my MP3 with Mary Mary and as I washed the dishes, the Holy Spirit came in to abide with me. Ok, I'm not one of those super spiritual wishy washy Bible thumper toungue speaking slain in the spirit type people. But a song came on and I began to weep uncontrollably. I was not sad or upset. I felt the love of God and the knowledge that He has carried me this far and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
I went to church later on and once again I felt this wave of emotion as the words of the minister touched my heart. I began weeping again as the Spirit rested upon me and loved me. They were tears of joy, thanks and praise as I allowed myself with my limited human perception to feel the love God has for all of us... and for everything.
Even now I can feel It. And maybe the feeling will subside some as the days go on but now I know that I know that I know that God loves me and that my journey is on course and as the minister said today, the journey is a forward one that does not require a need to look back or go backward.